My Daughters

Ever since Kirk was indicted I have been afraid for Jami,  sure she will end up dead or in jail without him. Watching her spiral I start to hope for jail.  She's afraid to come home first because we didnt know if she was indicted too and then because she got high, passed out in a Walgreens, woke in Mercy hospital, ran from there with nothing and has short memory of paramedics calling the police.  She did a trace on her phone and it showed it at the police station. She says there was a small amount of drugs in her bag but I can't find that there is a warrant for her. Her truck keys are also missing, likely with the police.  Yesterday we tried to hotwire it but it won't start, likely because of an anti theft thing. A wrecker these days iui s $100. I called one and he,said it would be cheaper to have a new key made. 

I wrote about jess's problems but not enough about Her. Yes, she is in many ways the eternal child. What is left out to describe is the pure beauty of her. The absolute joy she can bring me. I often think the poem I wrote years ago, Sun Child,  is about her. 

I think maybe I should be missing my daughter, Jeanette. Weird that I really don't or just can't let myself. She has been such a small part of my life for so long there seems to be little to miss. Mostly I have been used as transportation for her children to and from school and a place for them to visit on weekends when she's had other plans or they just wanted to come be we with us. Now Them, I Have missed them immensely. As my life winds down as this continues I know I may never see them again and likely won't know them if I do. I think it's partly that Shut Off valve I understand I installed to deal we with being molested and abused as a child. And then there was the loss of Lindsey when she was 5. I felt I couldn't Feel it and survive it at the time, especially dealing with the loss of my marriage at the same time. I had to shut her in a tiny box in my heart and seal it to survive at the time. Thankfully, when I met  Jeremy, he figured out we could call and ...

I have a thought about what had might have happened with Jeanette.  I'm not in any way excusing the things she has said and done.  I am still searching for how I can even forgive her for the last year.  But maybe there is some explanation.  It started with hyper hypochondria.  Jeanette was calling and texting with all kinds of symptoms and internet diagnosises and getting angrier and angrier that doctor after doctor wasn't taking her seriously. Then the attack on Jenise and then on me.  Before all of this, Jeanette was desperate to have a baby for David. Her tubes were tied after Riley and she was exploring reversing the ligation and going to seek fertility treatment. Then nothing. No, then the illnesses and attacks.  I wonder if she couldn't produce the desperately wanted baby. Her age would be a strike against her plus at least one venereal disease and other female issues over the years.  She's only 36 but with other issues and with the complica...

Jess. The baby of the family. And now an eternal child. Jess always had anxiety problems as far back as I can remember. I dont know for sure what was genetic and what was caused by Oran Skaw but I know she was hurt badly by him. Jess was still fairly functional until Jazz was born and serious drugs came into the picture. Intravenous heroin, meth , and, worst of all, bath salts.  The BAD kind.  She saw bugs everywhere and even tried to kill herself during the worst of it. She is away from that but she never came all the way back. Her doctor at the time told me she wouldn't. But she is more Here than I think he predicted. She has been living with me about 5 or 6 years.  We have bad times but most of the time she is very sweet and childlike.  That has problems in itself, like she still expects me to be Mom, to be accountable for everything that happens to her,  but once i realized these things our life has gone much more smoothly. She loves her children, she lov...

I was a little surprised to find this entry. I have talked about KNOWING something was wrong with Jeanette long before she started blowing up this year but didnt realize I had journaled about it in 2014. This was written after Exotica was raided and Jeanette and all the employees were arrested. Jeanettes children had been loving with me for over a year before the raid on Wxotica and we had hardly seen her. She was in love with and literally Slave to Master Jon. I was being evicted from my 2 bedroom apartment (again, I lost my last one for the same reason) and Jeanette was jobless and a total wreck from the raid and imprisonment of Jon. We had to move and she had no income to pay her rent so I offered to move Jeremy, Jess, Jessalynn, Jazz and Kira into her basement until she could get back on her feet. It took a week to clean the moldy, filthy basement. Jeremy and I did it alone.  Even though the kids hadn't lived there, the house was filthy too with dirty, molding dishes stacked i...