Jeanette

I have a thought about what had might have happened with Jeanette.  I'm not in any way excusing the things she has said and done.  I am still searching for how I can even forgive her for the last year. 

But maybe there is some explanation. 

It started with hyper hypochondria.  Jeanette was calling and texting with all kinds of symptoms and internet diagnosises and getting angrier and angrier that doctor after doctor wasn't taking her seriously. Then the attack on Jenise and then on me. 

Before all of this, Jeanette was desperate to have a baby for David. Her tubes were tied after Riley and she was exploring reversing the ligation and going to seek fertility treatment. Then nothing. No, then the illnesses and attacks. 

I wonder if she couldn't produce the desperately wanted baby. Her age would be a strike against her plus at least one venereal disease and other female issues over the years.  She's only 36 but with other issues and with the complications of reversing tubal ligation maybe it wasn't possible. I did wonder this a minute when she was investigating disease after disease.

Jeanette doesn't just love David. She idolizes him. Maybe a leftover from the slave/master relationship she had with John Ways for over 2 years. Or maybe it was always there.

(She, by the way, now claims John raped her once and mentally damaged her.... No Relationship. Also odd.)

Jeanette has rewritten her life but that started way before David. She has no memory of leaving her kids with me and barely seeing them during her time with John. I've mentioned this elsewhere I'm sure. Thst came out shortly after she was indicted when I asked her why she was telling people she "took care of" me. A lot of bitterness I didn't know about came out in that blow out. 

So, everything did not start with/for David. But the illnesses and the blown out family problems did. Could it be a smokescreen?? A way to avoid the conversations about a baby or an excuse why she can't produce one?? 

She once said that David's father was going to pay for the fertility treatments. Also, it was while she was planning how to get pregnant that she first told me she wanted to give Rob custody of the kids, which I though would be necessary for their (the kids) sakes if David had one of his own. Like it might make him resent Nett's kids more.

Sure, I could be way off base. Maybe Jeanette was always a horror of a human and I just never noticed.  But I know, as a mother, she was a sweet, kind, empathetic little girl until she was at least 10. 

The major changes I noticed started around when she left Rob, and some of that I only know second hand. The affair that put the nail in the coffin of her marriage was her affair with Patrick Fitzgerald. That was completely disrespectful to Jessica and Jessalynn. I though maybe if she was really In Love the family hurt would fade over time and it could be accepted. By Pat's account she Did think she was In Love. I cringed and wanted to cover my ears when he told me how she tried to hang on to him when it ended. She later told me a story of Pat and Cody coming to her house drunk in the middle of the night trying to get her to go out with them, I think it was to imply Pat was hung up on her, but again I cringed seeing a drunk bootie call that I hope wasn't planned to be a threesome. 

Then she met John. Started working at Exotica going by the name Red Sonya. Another transformation. Six inch heels and skirts to her ass with a thong under everyone saw on windy days. I told myself it was just how she was dressing for the job. Besides the drugs and paraphernalia they sold every kind of kinky sex toy I've heard of and some I don't want to know what they were for. I remember being at a park at one of the kids birthday party and Jen saying she was going to take Nett out if she bent over and showed Dan her ass again. 

That started the first real blowout I've had with Jeanette. After the ATF raid and her job ended I commented that at least she wouldn't have to dress like that anymore. (Previously Jeanette had been a very modest dresser) Jeanette glared at me and said "Dress. Like. What.?" I said, "You know, like a hooker" and she freaked. I wanted to eat that question!! She railed at me, told me I knew nothing of fashion,  that all women dressed like that now if I would bother to look around. 

(Yes, I'm old and old fashioned, but That wasn't the problem.)

Those clothes slowly faded away. I guess they went out of style? Ok, factitious. 

She started dating. Dated an older Asian guy thinking she would get money out of him. He abused her. Eventually turned the game and raped her. I believe she saved the dress like Miss Monica for proof. What I knew of her sex life was terrifying. She once brought a guy home from a bar, into our house full of kids, who strangled her during sex, might have killed her if I hadn't pulled into the driveway. I saw him run out of the house. She had those blood red eyes from strangling for days. She didn't/wouldn't/couldn't report him because she had been in a bar while on probation.  

She spent almost all her free time in bars until she met David, and the kids say they go to the bar all the time together since getting together.  Her Facebook says that, too. 

That made me wonder, too, about the desperate calls I would get about how ill she was, saying she could barely get out of bed and was so sick and weak she was nonfunctional but then she would share pictures of them at the bar that night. It just didn't make sense.

I want there to be an excuse/a reason for what has happened with us. 

Feeling disgusted about your own daughter is awful. Hating her is worse. So I look for reasons even though they are all hard stretches. 

At one point I thought that if Jeanette Saw me, saw how ill and crippled I have become, that it would touch her, remind her she loved me. Then she posted on FB how she saw me at Walmart, how disgusted it made her feel, how I looked like shit and was obviously strung out on meth. (??)

That was the last time I cried over this.

We will be forgiven as we forgive others. 

Right now, I will die unforgiven.