more Jeanette

I think maybe I should be missing my daughter, Jeanette. Weird that I really don't or just can't let myself. She has been such a small part of my life for so long there seems to be little to miss. Mostly I have been used as transportation for her children to and from school and a place for them to visit on weekends when she's had other plans or they just wanted to come be we with us. Now Them, I Have missed them immensely. As my life winds down as this continues I know I may never see them again and likely won't know them if I do.

I think it's partly that Shut Off valve I understand I installed to deal we with being molested and abused as a child. And then there was the loss of Lindsey when she was 5. I felt I couldn't Feel it and survive it at the time, especially dealing with the loss of my marriage at the same time. I had to shut her in a tiny box in my heart and seal it to survive at the time. Thankfully, when I met  Jeremy, he figured out we could call and speak to Lindsey on Sunday mornings while Jami and Mikey slept in and that heartbreak became more bearable.

I've gotten too good at those sealed little boxes. 

I had to put Jenny in one and she bit me through the box on Jeanette's Facebook. 

Now I think Jeanette is either in one or she was never really here to begin with. Pretty sure of the latter. 

That should be sad.

But, even as I don't feel that I miss her, I still cant stand the thought of her being hurt, physically or mentally. That bond is still there.